0
Why Peeing as a Guy Sucks
Posted by JP
on
5:09 AM
Okay, before you go off ranting about how much more complex the internal plumbing of being a woman is, with all the monthly issues and whatnot, I do not give a flying cockroach about your concerns! You will not be able to convince me that it is worse going to the toilet as a woman. EXCEPT! Yes, EXCEPT when there is a really long line for the bathroom, okay you can have that one. However, as much as you are enjoying your subscription to Freudian Monthly, penis envy Google it, there are just some things that you cannot possible experience!
What am I talking about? Well, read on and find out. Guys will probably just nod and go, "Oh shit! I thought I was the only one! I am not a loner after all! The world is not so cruel!!!!" Dude, you need help. Ladies, enjoy and use these as conversation starters if you're truly curious about these. (That or you just really ran out of conversations for that really cute guy that you know is so totally into you but is just not showing it because he totally loves you too much, unicorns)
Just to make this more friendly, from this moment on I will be substituting the word urine with random types of candy. You'll understand.
*******************************************************************
[1] The Anti-Ghostbusters Stream
There are two types of people. One, the person who read the first number and went: "Okay, what the heck does that mean?" *read read*. Two, the person who read that line and went: "Damn, that was a bad joke." Yes, well I don't care! I made it and I am proud of it. So what am I talking about?
Here's the actual quote from the Ghostbusters movie:
Dr. Egon Spengler: There's something very important I forgot to tell you.
Dr. Peter Venkman: What?
Dr. Egon Spengler: Don't cross the streams.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Why?
Dr. Egon Spengler: It would be bad.
They were talking about their guns, and the streams were not Butterfingers in this example. So how come it is the anti-stream? Well, because instead of "crossing the streams" which would entail them becoming one. It is the opposite, wherein it would split into two. This is about as fun as it sounds.
*Typical Scenario*
Guy: *unzip*
Guy: Lalalala, wait what WHAT. WHOAH HEY THAT IS SO NOT.... Maybe if I just aim a little to the lef- HOLY CRAP wait THIS BOWL is too SMALL, I just have to nudge it over to the----
This goes on until either:
a) Toilet is essentially a Snickers festival
or
b) Guy sits down, shamed, and uses the toilet
I don't care who you are but this is just not fun. It's bad enough aiming once. You don't hold a pistol that splits its bullets and think "Oh hey this is wonderfully enjoyable, you know, not hitting shit and all." So why would you think the same, even if the target is right below you?
Yeah, I didn't think so.
I didn't even mention the triple stream. *shiver* Yeah, it happens.
Pros:
You can pretend you were just in a video game and earned the double shot power up!
*******************************************************************
[2] The Alien Invasion
You know what sucks? Big bugs. You know what sucks more? Peeing with a big bug in the room. You know what sucks the most? A vacuum, but that's not the point. Peeing when the bug starts inching towards you and you're ALREADY micturating. That, that sucks.
*Typical Scenario*
Guy: Ah crap, there's a cockroach in the corner.
Guy: Oh whatever, its so far away anyways and I really, really have to pee.
Guy: *unzip*
Bug: Aww, f* yeah! Let's get this sho' on th' road! Whoo!
Guy: *whistles* Oh god is it coming this way? Oh it's going further, OH WAIT its coming closer. WAIT, SHOO. SHOO. *pfffff pffff* Go away.
*Guy kicks at the bug half-heartedly with right leg, trying to shoo it away*
Guy: Shit shit shit shit shit this isn't working and I'm only like halfway through and it's like just an inch away from my foot, wanting to crawl all over me.... with its hairy legs and OH MY G-
Guy then proceeds to stop peeing, which really really really hurts by the way, and runs out the room. Screaming like a little girl. Guy then comes back with a can of Raid, only to find the cockroach gone.
Until he starts to pee again.
Pros:
If the bug is a small mosquito flying around inside the toilet bowl, I'm pretty sure 95% of guys will try to shoot it down.
*******************************************************************
[3] The Draw Bridge
In the rare occasion that a guy will actually lift the toilet seat, it will come back and bite him in the ass. (Okay not the ass, but I am so not painting that picture for you) As you can infer from the name, the draw bridge is when the toilet seat comes crashing down in the middle of one's relieving of oneself, spraying said oneself with Skittles. Skittles everywhere.
*Typical Scenario*
Guy: OKAY OKAY I GET THE FREAKING POINT I'LL PUT UP THE DAMN SEAT! Geez....
Guy: *unzip*
*toilet seat creaks*
Guy: Oh.... not this fu-
*slam and spray*
Guy: THIS IS WHY I NEVER LIFT THE TOILET SEAT OKAY!? OKAY!?!?!? THIS YOU COULDN'T SEE!?!??!
(Also we usually don't lift the seat because we lazy. Yeah.)
Pros:
THE KING HAS ARRIVED!!! LOWER THE DRAWBRIDGE!!!!
Aww, yeah! The King baby!
*******************************************************************
[4] The 2 Girls 1 Cup Conundrum
You just had a "great" lunch at Mang Jose's Corner Alleyway Burritotacito stand. During said lunch you had a little too much to drink, and a little too much meat and beans to eat. Things start heading south, slowly at first. Eventually, you have to go. It is inevitable. Mang Jose is proud of himself. He loves that he put you in this situation.
*Typical Scenario*
Guy: Ohmanohmanohmanohman I really, really have to pee. But I also really, REALLY have to fart. Oh god what am I going to do what am I going to do, can I do it at once? Oh god please let me be able to do this.
Unfortunately, you are forever destined to fail this trial. Why? Biology! Ah yes, Biology with your wonderful frogs and dissected cats and whatnot. You are also a bastard, btw. (Say hi to your mother for me) Essentially, the nerves in that area serve for both functions. This is the same reason that you feel like peeing when you're pooping and vice-versa! It is a tug of war. And you're pulling on both sides. Have fun!
Pros:
Oh well, at least I didn't fart so hard that I po- ohhh, nevermind.
*******************************************************************
[5] The Awkward Back Rub
This might not be as common as the others, but in my high school it was. It's already bad enough that when you're a guy, the urinals are just next to each other. Some urinals don't even have a separator between them! Now of course this leads to some people having a hard time urinating as it is, what with the awkward factor and all. Now let's have someone giving you a shoulder or back rub while you're trying to go. With guys around you. In a bathroom. Again, while you're peeing. Yes, it does get that bad.
Guy A: Phew alright finally able to go! Took me awhile to get started but now I'm all set and hiaid2 10i0auf0 0a90
Guy B: "Hey guy... you're so tense...."
To all people who have been Guy B in the past, "Fuck you. No really."
(I did this before too lololol)
Pros:
Free back rub!
*******************************************************************
[6] The Guy Who Washes His Hands in the Urinal
Ehem.
Yup.
I rest my case.
Pros:
That blue link? Click it.
*******************************************************************
In conclusion! It does rock to have a much simpler time urinating when you're on the go. There are rarely lines when it comes to a guy's bathroom and at least we do not really require tissue when we go. But ladies, consider the shit we have to put up with too.
Laugh about it while you're WAITING IN LINE FOR THE BATHROOM.
FACE!!
*******************************************************************
Image Sources:
 |
| The Originator of the Phrase: Your Mother |
What am I talking about? Well, read on and find out. Guys will probably just nod and go, "Oh shit! I thought I was the only one! I am not a loner after all! The world is not so cruel!!!!" Dude, you need help. Ladies, enjoy and use these as conversation starters if you're truly curious about these. (That or you just really ran out of conversations for that really cute guy that you know is so totally into you but is just not showing it because he totally loves you too much, unicorns)
 |
| Fun Fact: Unicorns are ALWAYS relevant |
Just to make this more friendly, from this moment on I will be substituting the word urine with random types of candy. You'll understand.
*******************************************************************
[1] The Anti-Ghostbusters Stream
There are two types of people. One, the person who read the first number and went: "Okay, what the heck does that mean?" *read read*. Two, the person who read that line and went: "Damn, that was a bad joke." Yes, well I don't care! I made it and I am proud of it. So what am I talking about?
Here's the actual quote from the Ghostbusters movie:
Dr. Egon Spengler: There's something very important I forgot to tell you.
Dr. Peter Venkman: What?
Dr. Egon Spengler: Don't cross the streams.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Why?
Dr. Egon Spengler: It would be bad.
They were talking about their guns, and the streams were not Butterfingers in this example. So how come it is the anti-stream? Well, because instead of "crossing the streams" which would entail them becoming one. It is the opposite, wherein it would split into two. This is about as fun as it sounds.
 |
| Doing It Right |
*Typical Scenario*
Guy: *unzip*
Guy: Lalalala, wait what WHAT. WHOAH HEY THAT IS SO NOT.... Maybe if I just aim a little to the lef- HOLY CRAP wait THIS BOWL is too SMALL, I just have to nudge it over to the----
This goes on until either:
a) Toilet is essentially a Snickers festival
or
b) Guy sits down, shamed, and uses the toilet
I don't care who you are but this is just not fun. It's bad enough aiming once. You don't hold a pistol that splits its bullets and think "Oh hey this is wonderfully enjoyable, you know, not hitting shit and all." So why would you think the same, even if the target is right below you?
 |
| Yup. |
Yeah, I didn't think so.
I didn't even mention the triple stream. *shiver* Yeah, it happens.
Pros:
You can pretend you were just in a video game and earned the double shot power up!
*******************************************************************
[2] The Alien Invasion
You know what sucks? Big bugs. You know what sucks more? Peeing with a big bug in the room. You know what sucks the most? A vacuum, but that's not the point. Peeing when the bug starts inching towards you and you're ALREADY micturating. That, that sucks.
*Typical Scenario*
Guy: Ah crap, there's a cockroach in the corner.
Guy: Oh whatever, its so far away anyways and I really, really have to pee.
Guy: *unzip*
Bug: Aww, f* yeah! Let's get this sho' on th' road! Whoo!
Guy: *whistles* Oh god is it coming this way? Oh it's going further, OH WAIT its coming closer. WAIT, SHOO. SHOO. *pfffff pffff* Go away.
*Guy kicks at the bug half-heartedly with right leg, trying to shoo it away*
Guy: Shit shit shit shit shit this isn't working and I'm only like halfway through and it's like just an inch away from my foot, wanting to crawl all over me.... with its hairy legs and OH MY G-
 |
| Hey, Nice Tiles |
Guy then proceeds to stop peeing, which really really really hurts by the way, and runs out the room. Screaming like a little girl. Guy then comes back with a can of Raid, only to find the cockroach gone.
Until he starts to pee again.
Pros:
If the bug is a small mosquito flying around inside the toilet bowl, I'm pretty sure 95% of guys will try to shoot it down.
*******************************************************************
[3] The Draw Bridge
In the rare occasion that a guy will actually lift the toilet seat, it will come back and bite him in the ass. (Okay not the ass, but I am so not painting that picture for you) As you can infer from the name, the draw bridge is when the toilet seat comes crashing down in the middle of one's relieving of oneself, spraying said oneself with Skittles. Skittles everywhere.
 |
| "Taste the Rainbow" sounds a whole lot worse now |
*Typical Scenario*
Guy: OKAY OKAY I GET THE FREAKING POINT I'LL PUT UP THE DAMN SEAT! Geez....
Guy: *unzip*
*toilet seat creaks*
Guy: Oh.... not this fu-
*slam and spray*
Guy: THIS IS WHY I NEVER LIFT THE TOILET SEAT OKAY!? OKAY!?!?!? THIS YOU COULDN'T SEE!?!??!
(Also we usually don't lift the seat because we lazy. Yeah.)
Pros:
THE KING HAS ARRIVED!!! LOWER THE DRAWBRIDGE!!!!
Aww, yeah! The King baby!
 |
| Clearly, the king doesn't NEED TO PUT UP THE TOILET SEAT MOM!! |
*******************************************************************
[4] The 2 Girls 1 Cup Conundrum
You just had a "great" lunch at Mang Jose's Corner Alleyway Burritotacito stand. During said lunch you had a little too much to drink, and a little too much meat and beans to eat. Things start heading south, slowly at first. Eventually, you have to go. It is inevitable. Mang Jose is proud of himself. He loves that he put you in this situation.
 |
| Pictured: Blitzkrieg. Your Intestines: Poland. |
*Typical Scenario*
Guy: Ohmanohmanohmanohman I really, really have to pee. But I also really, REALLY have to fart. Oh god what am I going to do what am I going to do, can I do it at once? Oh god please let me be able to do this.
Unfortunately, you are forever destined to fail this trial. Why? Biology! Ah yes, Biology with your wonderful frogs and dissected cats and whatnot. You are also a bastard, btw. (Say hi to your mother for me) Essentially, the nerves in that area serve for both functions. This is the same reason that you feel like peeing when you're pooping and vice-versa! It is a tug of war. And you're pulling on both sides. Have fun!
 |
| Jerk |
Pros:
Oh well, at least I didn't fart so hard that I po- ohhh, nevermind.
*******************************************************************
[5] The Awkward Back Rub
This might not be as common as the others, but in my high school it was. It's already bad enough that when you're a guy, the urinals are just next to each other. Some urinals don't even have a separator between them! Now of course this leads to some people having a hard time urinating as it is, what with the awkward factor and all. Now let's have someone giving you a shoulder or back rub while you're trying to go. With guys around you. In a bathroom. Again, while you're peeing. Yes, it does get that bad.
 |
| Like A Boss |
Guy A: Phew alright finally able to go! Took me awhile to get started but now I'm all set and hiaid2 10i0auf0 0a90
Guy B: "Hey guy... you're so tense...."
To all people who have been Guy B in the past, "Fuck you. No really."
(I did this before too lololol)
Pros:
Free back rub!
 |
| This Guy |
*******************************************************************
[6] The Guy Who Washes His Hands in the Urinal
Ehem.
Yup.
I rest my case.
Pros:
That blue link? Click it.
*******************************************************************
In conclusion! It does rock to have a much simpler time urinating when you're on the go. There are rarely lines when it comes to a guy's bathroom and at least we do not really require tissue when we go. But ladies, consider the shit we have to put up with too.
Laugh about it while you're WAITING IN LINE FOR THE BATHROOM.
FACE!!
 |
| Oh No He Di 'Int! |
*******************************************************************
Image Sources:
- http://psychology.wikia.com/wiki/Sigmund_Freud
- http://31st-and-chi.blogspot.com/2010/07/bunch-of-pictures-of-unicorns.html
- http://playstationlifestyle.net/2009/06/16/ghostbusters-the-video-game-trophy-guide/
- http://ajohnnn.tumblr.com/post/3392980922/9-ways-guys-pee
- http://deanesmay.com/2006/09/29/giant-pill-bug/
- http://abstract.desktopnexus.com/wallpaper/45593/
- http://www.freewebs.com/superfoot/
- http://www.burrito.tv/
- http://courses.cit.cornell.edu/biog1102/texts.htm
- http://www.grimmemennesker.dk/ugly-people-111.htm
- http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/oh-crap-omg-rage-face