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Poorly Drawn Comics #12: Hypochondriac
Posted by JP
on
6:08 AM
Poorly Drawn Comics: #8 Goodbye Harry Potter
Posted by JP
on
8:55 AM
It may not be the chamber of secrets, but there's definitely a basilisk here too.
Thanks for all the fun Harry!
Poorly Drawn Comics: #7 All You Need is Bacon
Posted by JP
on
8:02 AM
Bacon was created because God both loves and hates us.
Poorly Drawn Comics: #6 Lee de Wyze is Misleading
Posted by JP
on
8:27 AM
Well, now that you mention it....
Poorly Drawn Comics: #1 Wait.. What?
Posted by JP
on
6:48 AM
So yeah, today I decided to start drawing comics on my iPad.
I am a terrible artist.
I choose not to use a real drawing program.
Enjoy. :D
I am a terrible artist.
I choose not to use a real drawing program.
Enjoy. :D
Why Taking Tests Suck
Posted by JP
on
10:17 AM
Let's assume for the sake of this entry that you're a student somewhere. Even if you aren't, hopefully you once were a student and can relate to this. (If you're not, I severely hope you're not above the age of 60, call yourself "Jim Jim Billy Bob" and may or may not have your hands down your pants at the moment. Like I said, severely hope you're not)
You probably already know what I'm talking about. When it comes around, the mood changes dramatically. That precise moment is scientifically called "shit just got real".
Admit it, school is generally fun. You get to see your friends all day long and talk about whatever you want. If you're a normal person, you probably don't even pay attention to class anyways. God forbid you have access to Wi-Fi or a smartphone. (Which you probably have, ergo you're not paying attention in class tsk tsk)
All good things, however, have to come to an end. For school, this is equivalent to the test. Let's run through some especially "F**k You" points.
*******************************************************************
[1] The Cramming
You knew this was going to be point numero uno! Come on, don't even pretend to deny like "Oh my, whatever is this good man talking about? I daresay I a-" Dude. Eff you. I got you.
Yeah, I know, I know, as students it is our duty to study well and yada yada yada. This definitely falls under the category of "Easier, much much much much much much much easier said than done". It doesn't matter that we know that it is the right thing to do; we don't do it anyways.
The "right" thing to do is to avoid cramming by studying a little bit of the subject matter everyday. That's not going to happen. Today's society is one ruled by electronics and a "right now" mentality.
Picture this: You get home from a hard day's school, maybe at around 5:30. You spent all day in a stuffy classroom, drifting in and out of the lesson. What's the first thing you do when you get home? Study? My ass! Once you turn on that computer/cellphone/playstation/ipad/whatever, it's done. Next thing you know it's 1AM and you're still saying 30 more minutes before I study.
Flash forward and here we are. Hi! How goes cramming for that test tomorrow? 200 pages? Wow that sounds fun! Hey, what are you doing? Can you please close that YouTube tab while you're-- oh? Okay fine, be like that.
*******************************************************************
[2]Inexplicable Time Loss
As mentioned earlier, studying for tests grants you the power of time travel. Specifically the terrible parts which inexplicably makes time travel much, much faster.
Haven't you realized it yet? Everything in the world is out to get you, it's a conspiracy. What happens is that time demons come out and prevent the time unicorns from helping you and coming to your aid.
Whenever you're in class, time unicorns are being mauled by the time demons. The rainbows which are usually summoned from the horns of the unicorns are used against you and clog up your classroom's clocks, making time move slower. As an added screw you, time demons use this to lube up your personal home clocks, making time move faster as you study for you exams.
I cannot begin to stress how truthful the earlier paragraphs are.
Time Unicorns.
It's a thing.
*******************************************************************
[3]Sleep Immunity
Yes, yes I can see you now, staring at your monitor thinking: "But wait! JP, you awesome manbeast, that sounds like an excellent thing! I thought you CLEARLY said SUCKS!!" Well, my handsome friend, that part is excellent but you are forgetting all the crap that comes along with it.
Your body functions like a loan shark. Besides breaking your fingers when you forget to "give him what you owe him", it keeps tabs on you at all times. Sure, you may have "totally been up that one time for like 72 hours with no sleep trololol" but sooner or later, that's going to come back and bite you in the ass.
Next time you're up way too late and you haven't had any sleep for awhile, check out your hand. It's going to vibrate and shake like a vibrat....ing toothbrush. I have an anecdote from my MMORPG'ing days where I fell asleep on my keyboard. I think I fell asleep on my book once, but that's Biology.
You know, Biology. That thing with the frogs.
I digress, and I'll just sincerely pray that you do not have exams back to back. Because you're definitely going to cram. And point number [1] just reinforces this one.
Like some evil twin.
Where they're BOTH EVIL.
Wait, does that still mean there's an evil twin if they're both evil?
*******************************************************************
[4]Multiple Choice Questions, That SUCK
Okay I know some of you are already rushing to defend this one before even the reading the rest of what I have to say. (and shame on you!) Yes, multiple choice questions are a godsend. HOWEVER. Like most insurance policies, there is a fine print. And just like most insurance policies, whoever made it is going to try really, really hard to screw you over.
So here's the FINE print:
Okay just kidding. So what am I talking about?
Well the standard multiple choice questions in exams will make you happy. 4 choices? Awesome. 3 choices??? I love you!!! 5 choices? Uhhh, wait what? Hey come on, that's not cool man. What's that? One of them is all of the above? Hey that's just ridiculous. Wait wait wait stop what the F is this one?
That's it, the type of multiple choice exam that isn't REALLY a multiple choice exam. The turd disguised as a cupcake. The spider disguised as an ant. The sheep in wolves clothing. (That's the correct metaphor right?)
A. Case A is true and B is false
B. Case A is false and B is true
C. Case A is true and B is true
D. Case B is false and B is false
E. Cannot be determined
For every exam built like the above scenario: I only direct you to the movie "Observe and Report".
Specifically to this scene:
[NSFW, contains swears; a lot of them]
How You Feel
Thanks for getting my hopes up, you damned tease.
*******************************************************************
[5]Chain Lightning Questions
Yeah, I'm a geek, I got it, I like video games. The reference stands. For those of you who don't understand, chain lightning is generally an attack which would result in the first target being hit, then the bolt would jump to a nearby enemy and so on and so forth. Like a chain. Wait, what do you mean that was obvious?
Example:
In question 1, it is stated that etc etc is either true or false, if true why; if false why?
In question 2, please get the [x] value you calculated and summon Beelzebub
In question 3, if Beelzebub was summoned, calculate the average wing speed velocity of a swallow
If you've experienced questions like these before, you are familiar with the sinking feeling as your stomach sinks into your colon. There's only one way to defend against this, know your sh*t. If you're reading this and have agreed to a lot of the points above, then you probably aren't ready. And these questions will take you for all you're worth. Then rape your family. And steal your jewelry. And manhandle your dog.
*******************************************************************
[6]The "Pointless" Subject Matter Questions
This has to be the epitome of annoying when it comes to taking exams. These are the types of questions which I cannot understand why it is at all important to ask. I'll give a mini list here and explanations why they suck.
a. Geography - I don't see why I have to memorize where "I-don't-give-a-fuckistan" is on the Globe when I can just look at the damn thing! I mean I can just google every single capital! And I'm not going to get plus points for knowing it unless some ODDLYSPECIFIC killer demands to know where Botswana is in 5 seconds, or I die.
b. Age Questions - I get that you want to apply the logic of solving mathematical equations in a more interesting method than boring numbers but I swear to god I'm not going to go up to a random person who politely asked my kids age and tell them "Michael is 6 years older than Michelle, who next year will be my age divided by 3. Tell me miss, how old is Michael?" She will just knee me in the groin and call child services for not knowing my own damn kids age.
c. Dates - Maybe I'm being biased but I really hate studying history. The freaking date's in my book and probably on brass plates in museums and MOST PROBABLY on the internet. It follows the same rule of: "Why the hell am I bothering with this when the information is readily AVAILABLE to me when I want it anyways? No explanation? Okay then."
*******************************************************************
So remember kids! The next time you know that you have an exam coming up, prepare properly.
Failing that, and I know you will, just remember all these keypoints and maybe they'll make you feel better.
And if you did, you're a terrible person (again), for engaging in schadenfreude.
*******************************************************************
Image Sources:
 |
| "Google Images: Jim Jim Billy Bob" |
You probably already know what I'm talking about. When it comes around, the mood changes dramatically. That precise moment is scientifically called "shit just got real".
 |
| "Umm, I'd say doctor but...." |
Admit it, school is generally fun. You get to see your friends all day long and talk about whatever you want. If you're a normal person, you probably don't even pay attention to class anyways. God forbid you have access to Wi-Fi or a smartphone. (Which you probably have, ergo you're not paying attention in class tsk tsk)
All good things, however, have to come to an end. For school, this is equivalent to the test. Let's run through some especially "F**k You" points.
*******************************************************************
[1] The Cramming
You knew this was going to be point numero uno! Come on, don't even pretend to deny like "Oh my, whatever is this good man talking about? I daresay I a-" Dude. Eff you. I got you.
Yeah, I know, I know, as students it is our duty to study well and yada yada yada. This definitely falls under the category of "Easier, much much much much much much much easier said than done". It doesn't matter that we know that it is the right thing to do; we don't do it anyways.
The "right" thing to do is to avoid cramming by studying a little bit of the subject matter everyday. That's not going to happen. Today's society is one ruled by electronics and a "right now" mentality.
Picture this: You get home from a hard day's school, maybe at around 5:30. You spent all day in a stuffy classroom, drifting in and out of the lesson. What's the first thing you do when you get home? Study? My ass! Once you turn on that computer/cellphone/playstation/ipad/whatever, it's done. Next thing you know it's 1AM and you're still saying 30 more minutes before I study.
Flash forward and here we are. Hi! How goes cramming for that test tomorrow? 200 pages? Wow that sounds fun! Hey, what are you doing? Can you please close that YouTube tab while you're-- oh? Okay fine, be like that.
 |
| "Yes... yes... good.... good..." |
*******************************************************************
[2]Inexplicable Time Loss
As mentioned earlier, studying for tests grants you the power of time travel. Specifically the terrible parts which inexplicably makes time travel much, much faster.
Haven't you realized it yet? Everything in the world is out to get you, it's a conspiracy. What happens is that time demons come out and prevent the time unicorns from helping you and coming to your aid.
Whenever you're in class, time unicorns are being mauled by the time demons. The rainbows which are usually summoned from the horns of the unicorns are used against you and clog up your classroom's clocks, making time move slower. As an added screw you, time demons use this to lube up your personal home clocks, making time move faster as you study for you exams.
I cannot begin to stress how truthful the earlier paragraphs are.
Time Unicorns.
It's a thing.
 |
| "This Thing" |
*******************************************************************
[3]Sleep Immunity
Yes, yes I can see you now, staring at your monitor thinking: "But wait! JP, you awesome manbeast, that sounds like an excellent thing! I thought you CLEARLY said SUCKS!!" Well, my handsome friend, that part is excellent but you are forgetting all the crap that comes along with it.
Your body functions like a loan shark. Besides breaking your fingers when you forget to "give him what you owe him", it keeps tabs on you at all times. Sure, you may have "totally been up that one time for like 72 hours with no sleep trololol" but sooner or later, that's going to come back and bite you in the ass.
 |
| "What's that? My forearm's wider than your rectum? Not for long." |
Next time you're up way too late and you haven't had any sleep for awhile, check out your hand. It's going to vibrate and shake like a vibrat....ing toothbrush. I have an anecdote from my MMORPG'ing days where I fell asleep on my keyboard. I think I fell asleep on my book once, but that's Biology.
You know, Biology. That thing with the frogs.
I digress, and I'll just sincerely pray that you do not have exams back to back. Because you're definitely going to cram. And point number [1] just reinforces this one.
Like some evil twin.
Where they're BOTH EVIL.
Wait, does that still mean there's an evil twin if they're both evil?
 |
| "It's all like, redundant and shit... you know?" |
*******************************************************************
[4]Multiple Choice Questions, That SUCK
Okay I know some of you are already rushing to defend this one before even the reading the rest of what I have to say. (and shame on you!) Yes, multiple choice questions are a godsend. HOWEVER. Like most insurance policies, there is a fine print. And just like most insurance policies, whoever made it is going to try really, really hard to screw you over.
 |
| "If this man puts in any more effort my dog's going to get pregnant" |
So here's the FINE print:
If you can actually read this, I totally wasted your time and it is mine to have and abuse and handle whichever way I want. Lalalala, are you still reading this? You do know there are a lot more words and pictures left. Also /trollface. :D
Okay just kidding. So what am I talking about?
Well the standard multiple choice questions in exams will make you happy. 4 choices? Awesome. 3 choices??? I love you!!! 5 choices? Uhhh, wait what? Hey come on, that's not cool man. What's that? One of them is all of the above? Hey that's just ridiculous. Wait wait wait stop what the F is this one?
That's it, the type of multiple choice exam that isn't REALLY a multiple choice exam. The turd disguised as a cupcake. The spider disguised as an ant. The sheep in wolves clothing. (That's the correct metaphor right?)
 |
| "Doing it Right" |
A. Case A is true and B is false
B. Case A is false and B is true
C. Case A is true and B is true
D. Case B is false and B is false
E. Cannot be determined
For every exam built like the above scenario: I only direct you to the movie "Observe and Report".
Specifically to this scene:
[NSFW, contains swears; a lot of them]
How You Feel
Thanks for getting my hopes up, you damned tease.
 |
| "Doing it Wrong" |
[5]Chain Lightning Questions
Yeah, I'm a geek, I got it, I like video games. The reference stands. For those of you who don't understand, chain lightning is generally an attack which would result in the first target being hit, then the bolt would jump to a nearby enemy and so on and so forth. Like a chain. Wait, what do you mean that was obvious?
Example:
In question 1, it is stated that etc etc is either true or false, if true why; if false why?
In question 2, please get the [x] value you calculated and summon Beelzebub
 |
| "F*ck this sh*t. I'm going home" |
In question 3, if Beelzebub was summoned, calculate the average wing speed velocity of a swallow
If you've experienced questions like these before, you are familiar with the sinking feeling as your stomach sinks into your colon. There's only one way to defend against this, know your sh*t. If you're reading this and have agreed to a lot of the points above, then you probably aren't ready. And these questions will take you for all you're worth. Then rape your family. And steal your jewelry. And manhandle your dog.
 |
| "These Puppies" |
*******************************************************************
[6]The "Pointless" Subject Matter Questions
This has to be the epitome of annoying when it comes to taking exams. These are the types of questions which I cannot understand why it is at all important to ask. I'll give a mini list here and explanations why they suck.
a. Geography - I don't see why I have to memorize where "I-don't-give-a-fuckistan" is on the Globe when I can just look at the damn thing! I mean I can just google every single capital! And I'm not going to get plus points for knowing it unless some ODDLYSPECIFIC killer demands to know where Botswana is in 5 seconds, or I die.
 |
| "Oh look honey, it's I-still-don't-give-a-shitfuckistan!" |
b. Age Questions - I get that you want to apply the logic of solving mathematical equations in a more interesting method than boring numbers but I swear to god I'm not going to go up to a random person who politely asked my kids age and tell them "Michael is 6 years older than Michelle, who next year will be my age divided by 3. Tell me miss, how old is Michael?" She will just knee me in the groin and call child services for not knowing my own damn kids age.
 |
| "Duh? He's 6?" |
c. Dates - Maybe I'm being biased but I really hate studying history. The freaking date's in my book and probably on brass plates in museums and MOST PROBABLY on the internet. It follows the same rule of: "Why the hell am I bothering with this when the information is readily AVAILABLE to me when I want it anyways? No explanation? Okay then."
 |
| "Either I'm a VERY poor history student... or a really hungry one" |
*******************************************************************
So remember kids! The next time you know that you have an exam coming up, prepare properly.
Failing that, and I know you will, just remember all these keypoints and maybe they'll make you feel better.
And if you did, you're a terrible person (again), for engaging in schadenfreude.
*******************************************************************
Image Sources:
1. http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=156593438723
2. http://iacmusic.com/artist.aspx?id=11981
3. http://www.nataliedee.com/archives/2009/jun/
4. http://diaryofasmartchick.com/category/topics/web-writing-and-web-20/page/2/
5. Beatrice Chua, trollordextraordinaire
6. http://www.theredherring.net/2010/05/17/behind-the-velvet-rope-memoirs-of-a-bouncer/
7. http://www.be-street.com/blog/2011/01/stewies-evil-twin/
8. http://www.dophoenix.com/pgad.php?id=1
9. http://tojonol.blogspot.com/2009/05/sheep-in-wolves-clothing.html
10. http://kimkinscam.wordpress.com/2008/01/31/23/
11. http://daddyknowsless.com/?p=331
12. http://www.dancewithizzy.com/home/2010/4/4/cute-puppy-sunday.html
13. http://maps-world.cn/
14. http://ironkyle.wordpress.com/2010/09/28/
15. http://www.hort.purdue.edu/ext/senior/fruits/date1.htm
Why Peeing as a Guy Sucks
Posted by JP
on
5:09 AM
Okay, before you go off ranting about how much more complex the internal plumbing of being a woman is, with all the monthly issues and whatnot, I do not give a flying cockroach about your concerns! You will not be able to convince me that it is worse going to the toilet as a woman. EXCEPT! Yes, EXCEPT when there is a really long line for the bathroom, okay you can have that one. However, as much as you are enjoying your subscription to Freudian Monthly, penis envy Google it, there are just some things that you cannot possible experience!
What am I talking about? Well, read on and find out. Guys will probably just nod and go, "Oh shit! I thought I was the only one! I am not a loner after all! The world is not so cruel!!!!" Dude, you need help. Ladies, enjoy and use these as conversation starters if you're truly curious about these. (That or you just really ran out of conversations for that really cute guy that you know is so totally into you but is just not showing it because he totally loves you too much, unicorns)
Just to make this more friendly, from this moment on I will be substituting the word urine with random types of candy. You'll understand.
*******************************************************************
[1] The Anti-Ghostbusters Stream
There are two types of people. One, the person who read the first number and went: "Okay, what the heck does that mean?" *read read*. Two, the person who read that line and went: "Damn, that was a bad joke." Yes, well I don't care! I made it and I am proud of it. So what am I talking about?
Here's the actual quote from the Ghostbusters movie:
Dr. Egon Spengler: There's something very important I forgot to tell you.
Dr. Peter Venkman: What?
Dr. Egon Spengler: Don't cross the streams.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Why?
Dr. Egon Spengler: It would be bad.
They were talking about their guns, and the streams were not Butterfingers in this example. So how come it is the anti-stream? Well, because instead of "crossing the streams" which would entail them becoming one. It is the opposite, wherein it would split into two. This is about as fun as it sounds.
*Typical Scenario*
Guy: *unzip*
Guy: Lalalala, wait what WHAT. WHOAH HEY THAT IS SO NOT.... Maybe if I just aim a little to the lef- HOLY CRAP wait THIS BOWL is too SMALL, I just have to nudge it over to the----
This goes on until either:
a) Toilet is essentially a Snickers festival
or
b) Guy sits down, shamed, and uses the toilet
I don't care who you are but this is just not fun. It's bad enough aiming once. You don't hold a pistol that splits its bullets and think "Oh hey this is wonderfully enjoyable, you know, not hitting shit and all." So why would you think the same, even if the target is right below you?
Yeah, I didn't think so.
I didn't even mention the triple stream. *shiver* Yeah, it happens.
Pros:
You can pretend you were just in a video game and earned the double shot power up!
*******************************************************************
[2] The Alien Invasion
You know what sucks? Big bugs. You know what sucks more? Peeing with a big bug in the room. You know what sucks the most? A vacuum, but that's not the point. Peeing when the bug starts inching towards you and you're ALREADY micturating. That, that sucks.
*Typical Scenario*
Guy: Ah crap, there's a cockroach in the corner.
Guy: Oh whatever, its so far away anyways and I really, really have to pee.
Guy: *unzip*
Bug: Aww, f* yeah! Let's get this sho' on th' road! Whoo!
Guy: *whistles* Oh god is it coming this way? Oh it's going further, OH WAIT its coming closer. WAIT, SHOO. SHOO. *pfffff pffff* Go away.
*Guy kicks at the bug half-heartedly with right leg, trying to shoo it away*
Guy: Shit shit shit shit shit this isn't working and I'm only like halfway through and it's like just an inch away from my foot, wanting to crawl all over me.... with its hairy legs and OH MY G-
Guy then proceeds to stop peeing, which really really really hurts by the way, and runs out the room. Screaming like a little girl. Guy then comes back with a can of Raid, only to find the cockroach gone.
Until he starts to pee again.
Pros:
If the bug is a small mosquito flying around inside the toilet bowl, I'm pretty sure 95% of guys will try to shoot it down.
*******************************************************************
[3] The Draw Bridge
In the rare occasion that a guy will actually lift the toilet seat, it will come back and bite him in the ass. (Okay not the ass, but I am so not painting that picture for you) As you can infer from the name, the draw bridge is when the toilet seat comes crashing down in the middle of one's relieving of oneself, spraying said oneself with Skittles. Skittles everywhere.
*Typical Scenario*
Guy: OKAY OKAY I GET THE FREAKING POINT I'LL PUT UP THE DAMN SEAT! Geez....
Guy: *unzip*
*toilet seat creaks*
Guy: Oh.... not this fu-
*slam and spray*
Guy: THIS IS WHY I NEVER LIFT THE TOILET SEAT OKAY!? OKAY!?!?!? THIS YOU COULDN'T SEE!?!??!
(Also we usually don't lift the seat because we lazy. Yeah.)
Pros:
THE KING HAS ARRIVED!!! LOWER THE DRAWBRIDGE!!!!
Aww, yeah! The King baby!
*******************************************************************
[4] The 2 Girls 1 Cup Conundrum
You just had a "great" lunch at Mang Jose's Corner Alleyway Burritotacito stand. During said lunch you had a little too much to drink, and a little too much meat and beans to eat. Things start heading south, slowly at first. Eventually, you have to go. It is inevitable. Mang Jose is proud of himself. He loves that he put you in this situation.
*Typical Scenario*
Guy: Ohmanohmanohmanohman I really, really have to pee. But I also really, REALLY have to fart. Oh god what am I going to do what am I going to do, can I do it at once? Oh god please let me be able to do this.
Unfortunately, you are forever destined to fail this trial. Why? Biology! Ah yes, Biology with your wonderful frogs and dissected cats and whatnot. You are also a bastard, btw. (Say hi to your mother for me) Essentially, the nerves in that area serve for both functions. This is the same reason that you feel like peeing when you're pooping and vice-versa! It is a tug of war. And you're pulling on both sides. Have fun!
Pros:
Oh well, at least I didn't fart so hard that I po- ohhh, nevermind.
*******************************************************************
[5] The Awkward Back Rub
This might not be as common as the others, but in my high school it was. It's already bad enough that when you're a guy, the urinals are just next to each other. Some urinals don't even have a separator between them! Now of course this leads to some people having a hard time urinating as it is, what with the awkward factor and all. Now let's have someone giving you a shoulder or back rub while you're trying to go. With guys around you. In a bathroom. Again, while you're peeing. Yes, it does get that bad.
Guy A: Phew alright finally able to go! Took me awhile to get started but now I'm all set and hiaid2 10i0auf0 0a90
Guy B: "Hey guy... you're so tense...."
To all people who have been Guy B in the past, "Fuck you. No really."
(I did this before too lololol)
Pros:
Free back rub!
*******************************************************************
[6] The Guy Who Washes His Hands in the Urinal
Ehem.
Yup.
I rest my case.
Pros:
That blue link? Click it.
*******************************************************************
In conclusion! It does rock to have a much simpler time urinating when you're on the go. There are rarely lines when it comes to a guy's bathroom and at least we do not really require tissue when we go. But ladies, consider the shit we have to put up with too.
Laugh about it while you're WAITING IN LINE FOR THE BATHROOM.
FACE!!
*******************************************************************
Image Sources:
 |
| The Originator of the Phrase: Your Mother |
What am I talking about? Well, read on and find out. Guys will probably just nod and go, "Oh shit! I thought I was the only one! I am not a loner after all! The world is not so cruel!!!!" Dude, you need help. Ladies, enjoy and use these as conversation starters if you're truly curious about these. (That or you just really ran out of conversations for that really cute guy that you know is so totally into you but is just not showing it because he totally loves you too much, unicorns)
 |
| Fun Fact: Unicorns are ALWAYS relevant |
Just to make this more friendly, from this moment on I will be substituting the word urine with random types of candy. You'll understand.
*******************************************************************
[1] The Anti-Ghostbusters Stream
There are two types of people. One, the person who read the first number and went: "Okay, what the heck does that mean?" *read read*. Two, the person who read that line and went: "Damn, that was a bad joke." Yes, well I don't care! I made it and I am proud of it. So what am I talking about?
Here's the actual quote from the Ghostbusters movie:
Dr. Egon Spengler: There's something very important I forgot to tell you.
Dr. Peter Venkman: What?
Dr. Egon Spengler: Don't cross the streams.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Why?
Dr. Egon Spengler: It would be bad.
They were talking about their guns, and the streams were not Butterfingers in this example. So how come it is the anti-stream? Well, because instead of "crossing the streams" which would entail them becoming one. It is the opposite, wherein it would split into two. This is about as fun as it sounds.
 |
| Doing It Right |
*Typical Scenario*
Guy: *unzip*
Guy: Lalalala, wait what WHAT. WHOAH HEY THAT IS SO NOT.... Maybe if I just aim a little to the lef- HOLY CRAP wait THIS BOWL is too SMALL, I just have to nudge it over to the----
This goes on until either:
a) Toilet is essentially a Snickers festival
or
b) Guy sits down, shamed, and uses the toilet
I don't care who you are but this is just not fun. It's bad enough aiming once. You don't hold a pistol that splits its bullets and think "Oh hey this is wonderfully enjoyable, you know, not hitting shit and all." So why would you think the same, even if the target is right below you?
 |
| Yup. |
Yeah, I didn't think so.
I didn't even mention the triple stream. *shiver* Yeah, it happens.
Pros:
You can pretend you were just in a video game and earned the double shot power up!
*******************************************************************
[2] The Alien Invasion
You know what sucks? Big bugs. You know what sucks more? Peeing with a big bug in the room. You know what sucks the most? A vacuum, but that's not the point. Peeing when the bug starts inching towards you and you're ALREADY micturating. That, that sucks.
*Typical Scenario*
Guy: Ah crap, there's a cockroach in the corner.
Guy: Oh whatever, its so far away anyways and I really, really have to pee.
Guy: *unzip*
Bug: Aww, f* yeah! Let's get this sho' on th' road! Whoo!
Guy: *whistles* Oh god is it coming this way? Oh it's going further, OH WAIT its coming closer. WAIT, SHOO. SHOO. *pfffff pffff* Go away.
*Guy kicks at the bug half-heartedly with right leg, trying to shoo it away*
Guy: Shit shit shit shit shit this isn't working and I'm only like halfway through and it's like just an inch away from my foot, wanting to crawl all over me.... with its hairy legs and OH MY G-
 |
| Hey, Nice Tiles |
Guy then proceeds to stop peeing, which really really really hurts by the way, and runs out the room. Screaming like a little girl. Guy then comes back with a can of Raid, only to find the cockroach gone.
Until he starts to pee again.
Pros:
If the bug is a small mosquito flying around inside the toilet bowl, I'm pretty sure 95% of guys will try to shoot it down.
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[3] The Draw Bridge
In the rare occasion that a guy will actually lift the toilet seat, it will come back and bite him in the ass. (Okay not the ass, but I am so not painting that picture for you) As you can infer from the name, the draw bridge is when the toilet seat comes crashing down in the middle of one's relieving of oneself, spraying said oneself with Skittles. Skittles everywhere.
 |
| "Taste the Rainbow" sounds a whole lot worse now |
*Typical Scenario*
Guy: OKAY OKAY I GET THE FREAKING POINT I'LL PUT UP THE DAMN SEAT! Geez....
Guy: *unzip*
*toilet seat creaks*
Guy: Oh.... not this fu-
*slam and spray*
Guy: THIS IS WHY I NEVER LIFT THE TOILET SEAT OKAY!? OKAY!?!?!? THIS YOU COULDN'T SEE!?!??!
(Also we usually don't lift the seat because we lazy. Yeah.)
Pros:
THE KING HAS ARRIVED!!! LOWER THE DRAWBRIDGE!!!!
Aww, yeah! The King baby!
 |
| Clearly, the king doesn't NEED TO PUT UP THE TOILET SEAT MOM!! |
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[4] The 2 Girls 1 Cup Conundrum
You just had a "great" lunch at Mang Jose's Corner Alleyway Burritotacito stand. During said lunch you had a little too much to drink, and a little too much meat and beans to eat. Things start heading south, slowly at first. Eventually, you have to go. It is inevitable. Mang Jose is proud of himself. He loves that he put you in this situation.
 |
| Pictured: Blitzkrieg. Your Intestines: Poland. |
*Typical Scenario*
Guy: Ohmanohmanohmanohman I really, really have to pee. But I also really, REALLY have to fart. Oh god what am I going to do what am I going to do, can I do it at once? Oh god please let me be able to do this.
Unfortunately, you are forever destined to fail this trial. Why? Biology! Ah yes, Biology with your wonderful frogs and dissected cats and whatnot. You are also a bastard, btw. (Say hi to your mother for me) Essentially, the nerves in that area serve for both functions. This is the same reason that you feel like peeing when you're pooping and vice-versa! It is a tug of war. And you're pulling on both sides. Have fun!
 |
| Jerk |
Pros:
Oh well, at least I didn't fart so hard that I po- ohhh, nevermind.
*******************************************************************
[5] The Awkward Back Rub
This might not be as common as the others, but in my high school it was. It's already bad enough that when you're a guy, the urinals are just next to each other. Some urinals don't even have a separator between them! Now of course this leads to some people having a hard time urinating as it is, what with the awkward factor and all. Now let's have someone giving you a shoulder or back rub while you're trying to go. With guys around you. In a bathroom. Again, while you're peeing. Yes, it does get that bad.
 |
| Like A Boss |
Guy A: Phew alright finally able to go! Took me awhile to get started but now I'm all set and hiaid2 10i0auf0 0a90
Guy B: "Hey guy... you're so tense...."
To all people who have been Guy B in the past, "Fuck you. No really."
(I did this before too lololol)
Pros:
Free back rub!
 |
| This Guy |
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[6] The Guy Who Washes His Hands in the Urinal
Ehem.
Yup.
I rest my case.
Pros:
That blue link? Click it.
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In conclusion! It does rock to have a much simpler time urinating when you're on the go. There are rarely lines when it comes to a guy's bathroom and at least we do not really require tissue when we go. But ladies, consider the shit we have to put up with too.
Laugh about it while you're WAITING IN LINE FOR THE BATHROOM.
FACE!!
 |
| Oh No He Di 'Int! |
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Image Sources:
- http://psychology.wikia.com/wiki/Sigmund_Freud
- http://31st-and-chi.blogspot.com/2010/07/bunch-of-pictures-of-unicorns.html
- http://playstationlifestyle.net/2009/06/16/ghostbusters-the-video-game-trophy-guide/
- http://ajohnnn.tumblr.com/post/3392980922/9-ways-guys-pee
- http://deanesmay.com/2006/09/29/giant-pill-bug/
- http://abstract.desktopnexus.com/wallpaper/45593/
- http://www.freewebs.com/superfoot/
- http://www.burrito.tv/
- http://courses.cit.cornell.edu/biog1102/texts.htm
- http://www.grimmemennesker.dk/ugly-people-111.htm
- http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/oh-crap-omg-rage-face
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