0
Why Taking Tests Suck
Posted by JP
on
10:17 AM
Let's assume for the sake of this entry that you're a student somewhere. Even if you aren't, hopefully you once were a student and can relate to this. (If you're not, I severely hope you're not above the age of 60, call yourself "Jim Jim Billy Bob" and may or may not have your hands down your pants at the moment. Like I said, severely hope you're not)
You probably already know what I'm talking about. When it comes around, the mood changes dramatically. That precise moment is scientifically called "shit just got real".
Admit it, school is generally fun. You get to see your friends all day long and talk about whatever you want. If you're a normal person, you probably don't even pay attention to class anyways. God forbid you have access to Wi-Fi or a smartphone. (Which you probably have, ergo you're not paying attention in class tsk tsk)
All good things, however, have to come to an end. For school, this is equivalent to the test. Let's run through some especially "F**k You" points.
*******************************************************************
[1] The Cramming
You knew this was going to be point numero uno! Come on, don't even pretend to deny like "Oh my, whatever is this good man talking about? I daresay I a-" Dude. Eff you. I got you.
Yeah, I know, I know, as students it is our duty to study well and yada yada yada. This definitely falls under the category of "Easier, much much much much much much much easier said than done". It doesn't matter that we know that it is the right thing to do; we don't do it anyways.
The "right" thing to do is to avoid cramming by studying a little bit of the subject matter everyday. That's not going to happen. Today's society is one ruled by electronics and a "right now" mentality.
Picture this: You get home from a hard day's school, maybe at around 5:30. You spent all day in a stuffy classroom, drifting in and out of the lesson. What's the first thing you do when you get home? Study? My ass! Once you turn on that computer/cellphone/playstation/ipad/whatever, it's done. Next thing you know it's 1AM and you're still saying 30 more minutes before I study.
Flash forward and here we are. Hi! How goes cramming for that test tomorrow? 200 pages? Wow that sounds fun! Hey, what are you doing? Can you please close that YouTube tab while you're-- oh? Okay fine, be like that.
*******************************************************************
[2]Inexplicable Time Loss
As mentioned earlier, studying for tests grants you the power of time travel. Specifically the terrible parts which inexplicably makes time travel much, much faster.
Haven't you realized it yet? Everything in the world is out to get you, it's a conspiracy. What happens is that time demons come out and prevent the time unicorns from helping you and coming to your aid.
Whenever you're in class, time unicorns are being mauled by the time demons. The rainbows which are usually summoned from the horns of the unicorns are used against you and clog up your classroom's clocks, making time move slower. As an added screw you, time demons use this to lube up your personal home clocks, making time move faster as you study for you exams.
I cannot begin to stress how truthful the earlier paragraphs are.
Time Unicorns.
It's a thing.
*******************************************************************
[3]Sleep Immunity
Yes, yes I can see you now, staring at your monitor thinking: "But wait! JP, you awesome manbeast, that sounds like an excellent thing! I thought you CLEARLY said SUCKS!!" Well, my handsome friend, that part is excellent but you are forgetting all the crap that comes along with it.
Your body functions like a loan shark. Besides breaking your fingers when you forget to "give him what you owe him", it keeps tabs on you at all times. Sure, you may have "totally been up that one time for like 72 hours with no sleep trololol" but sooner or later, that's going to come back and bite you in the ass.
Next time you're up way too late and you haven't had any sleep for awhile, check out your hand. It's going to vibrate and shake like a vibrat....ing toothbrush. I have an anecdote from my MMORPG'ing days where I fell asleep on my keyboard. I think I fell asleep on my book once, but that's Biology.
You know, Biology. That thing with the frogs.
I digress, and I'll just sincerely pray that you do not have exams back to back. Because you're definitely going to cram. And point number [1] just reinforces this one.
Like some evil twin.
Where they're BOTH EVIL.
Wait, does that still mean there's an evil twin if they're both evil?
*******************************************************************
[4]Multiple Choice Questions, That SUCK
Okay I know some of you are already rushing to defend this one before even the reading the rest of what I have to say. (and shame on you!) Yes, multiple choice questions are a godsend. HOWEVER. Like most insurance policies, there is a fine print. And just like most insurance policies, whoever made it is going to try really, really hard to screw you over.
So here's the FINE print:
Okay just kidding. So what am I talking about?
Well the standard multiple choice questions in exams will make you happy. 4 choices? Awesome. 3 choices??? I love you!!! 5 choices? Uhhh, wait what? Hey come on, that's not cool man. What's that? One of them is all of the above? Hey that's just ridiculous. Wait wait wait stop what the F is this one?
That's it, the type of multiple choice exam that isn't REALLY a multiple choice exam. The turd disguised as a cupcake. The spider disguised as an ant. The sheep in wolves clothing. (That's the correct metaphor right?)
A. Case A is true and B is false
B. Case A is false and B is true
C. Case A is true and B is true
D. Case B is false and B is false
E. Cannot be determined
For every exam built like the above scenario: I only direct you to the movie "Observe and Report".
Specifically to this scene:
[NSFW, contains swears; a lot of them]
How You Feel
Thanks for getting my hopes up, you damned tease.
*******************************************************************
[5]Chain Lightning Questions
Yeah, I'm a geek, I got it, I like video games. The reference stands. For those of you who don't understand, chain lightning is generally an attack which would result in the first target being hit, then the bolt would jump to a nearby enemy and so on and so forth. Like a chain. Wait, what do you mean that was obvious?
Example:
In question 1, it is stated that etc etc is either true or false, if true why; if false why?
In question 2, please get the [x] value you calculated and summon Beelzebub
In question 3, if Beelzebub was summoned, calculate the average wing speed velocity of a swallow
If you've experienced questions like these before, you are familiar with the sinking feeling as your stomach sinks into your colon. There's only one way to defend against this, know your sh*t. If you're reading this and have agreed to a lot of the points above, then you probably aren't ready. And these questions will take you for all you're worth. Then rape your family. And steal your jewelry. And manhandle your dog.
*******************************************************************
[6]The "Pointless" Subject Matter Questions
This has to be the epitome of annoying when it comes to taking exams. These are the types of questions which I cannot understand why it is at all important to ask. I'll give a mini list here and explanations why they suck.
a. Geography - I don't see why I have to memorize where "I-don't-give-a-fuckistan" is on the Globe when I can just look at the damn thing! I mean I can just google every single capital! And I'm not going to get plus points for knowing it unless some ODDLYSPECIFIC killer demands to know where Botswana is in 5 seconds, or I die.
b. Age Questions - I get that you want to apply the logic of solving mathematical equations in a more interesting method than boring numbers but I swear to god I'm not going to go up to a random person who politely asked my kids age and tell them "Michael is 6 years older than Michelle, who next year will be my age divided by 3. Tell me miss, how old is Michael?" She will just knee me in the groin and call child services for not knowing my own damn kids age.
c. Dates - Maybe I'm being biased but I really hate studying history. The freaking date's in my book and probably on brass plates in museums and MOST PROBABLY on the internet. It follows the same rule of: "Why the hell am I bothering with this when the information is readily AVAILABLE to me when I want it anyways? No explanation? Okay then."
*******************************************************************
So remember kids! The next time you know that you have an exam coming up, prepare properly.
Failing that, and I know you will, just remember all these keypoints and maybe they'll make you feel better.
And if you did, you're a terrible person (again), for engaging in schadenfreude.
*******************************************************************
Image Sources:
 |
| "Google Images: Jim Jim Billy Bob" |
You probably already know what I'm talking about. When it comes around, the mood changes dramatically. That precise moment is scientifically called "shit just got real".
 |
| "Umm, I'd say doctor but...." |
Admit it, school is generally fun. You get to see your friends all day long and talk about whatever you want. If you're a normal person, you probably don't even pay attention to class anyways. God forbid you have access to Wi-Fi or a smartphone. (Which you probably have, ergo you're not paying attention in class tsk tsk)
All good things, however, have to come to an end. For school, this is equivalent to the test. Let's run through some especially "F**k You" points.
*******************************************************************
[1] The Cramming
You knew this was going to be point numero uno! Come on, don't even pretend to deny like "Oh my, whatever is this good man talking about? I daresay I a-" Dude. Eff you. I got you.
Yeah, I know, I know, as students it is our duty to study well and yada yada yada. This definitely falls under the category of "Easier, much much much much much much much easier said than done". It doesn't matter that we know that it is the right thing to do; we don't do it anyways.
The "right" thing to do is to avoid cramming by studying a little bit of the subject matter everyday. That's not going to happen. Today's society is one ruled by electronics and a "right now" mentality.
Picture this: You get home from a hard day's school, maybe at around 5:30. You spent all day in a stuffy classroom, drifting in and out of the lesson. What's the first thing you do when you get home? Study? My ass! Once you turn on that computer/cellphone/playstation/ipad/whatever, it's done. Next thing you know it's 1AM and you're still saying 30 more minutes before I study.
Flash forward and here we are. Hi! How goes cramming for that test tomorrow? 200 pages? Wow that sounds fun! Hey, what are you doing? Can you please close that YouTube tab while you're-- oh? Okay fine, be like that.
 |
| "Yes... yes... good.... good..." |
*******************************************************************
[2]Inexplicable Time Loss
As mentioned earlier, studying for tests grants you the power of time travel. Specifically the terrible parts which inexplicably makes time travel much, much faster.
Haven't you realized it yet? Everything in the world is out to get you, it's a conspiracy. What happens is that time demons come out and prevent the time unicorns from helping you and coming to your aid.
Whenever you're in class, time unicorns are being mauled by the time demons. The rainbows which are usually summoned from the horns of the unicorns are used against you and clog up your classroom's clocks, making time move slower. As an added screw you, time demons use this to lube up your personal home clocks, making time move faster as you study for you exams.
I cannot begin to stress how truthful the earlier paragraphs are.
Time Unicorns.
It's a thing.
 |
| "This Thing" |
*******************************************************************
[3]Sleep Immunity
Yes, yes I can see you now, staring at your monitor thinking: "But wait! JP, you awesome manbeast, that sounds like an excellent thing! I thought you CLEARLY said SUCKS!!" Well, my handsome friend, that part is excellent but you are forgetting all the crap that comes along with it.
Your body functions like a loan shark. Besides breaking your fingers when you forget to "give him what you owe him", it keeps tabs on you at all times. Sure, you may have "totally been up that one time for like 72 hours with no sleep trololol" but sooner or later, that's going to come back and bite you in the ass.
 |
| "What's that? My forearm's wider than your rectum? Not for long." |
Next time you're up way too late and you haven't had any sleep for awhile, check out your hand. It's going to vibrate and shake like a vibrat....ing toothbrush. I have an anecdote from my MMORPG'ing days where I fell asleep on my keyboard. I think I fell asleep on my book once, but that's Biology.
You know, Biology. That thing with the frogs.
I digress, and I'll just sincerely pray that you do not have exams back to back. Because you're definitely going to cram. And point number [1] just reinforces this one.
Like some evil twin.
Where they're BOTH EVIL.
Wait, does that still mean there's an evil twin if they're both evil?
 |
| "It's all like, redundant and shit... you know?" |
*******************************************************************
[4]Multiple Choice Questions, That SUCK
Okay I know some of you are already rushing to defend this one before even the reading the rest of what I have to say. (and shame on you!) Yes, multiple choice questions are a godsend. HOWEVER. Like most insurance policies, there is a fine print. And just like most insurance policies, whoever made it is going to try really, really hard to screw you over.
 |
| "If this man puts in any more effort my dog's going to get pregnant" |
So here's the FINE print:
If you can actually read this, I totally wasted your time and it is mine to have and abuse and handle whichever way I want. Lalalala, are you still reading this? You do know there are a lot more words and pictures left. Also /trollface. :D
Okay just kidding. So what am I talking about?
Well the standard multiple choice questions in exams will make you happy. 4 choices? Awesome. 3 choices??? I love you!!! 5 choices? Uhhh, wait what? Hey come on, that's not cool man. What's that? One of them is all of the above? Hey that's just ridiculous. Wait wait wait stop what the F is this one?
That's it, the type of multiple choice exam that isn't REALLY a multiple choice exam. The turd disguised as a cupcake. The spider disguised as an ant. The sheep in wolves clothing. (That's the correct metaphor right?)
 |
| "Doing it Right" |
A. Case A is true and B is false
B. Case A is false and B is true
C. Case A is true and B is true
D. Case B is false and B is false
E. Cannot be determined
For every exam built like the above scenario: I only direct you to the movie "Observe and Report".
Specifically to this scene:
[NSFW, contains swears; a lot of them]
How You Feel
Thanks for getting my hopes up, you damned tease.
 |
| "Doing it Wrong" |
[5]Chain Lightning Questions
Yeah, I'm a geek, I got it, I like video games. The reference stands. For those of you who don't understand, chain lightning is generally an attack which would result in the first target being hit, then the bolt would jump to a nearby enemy and so on and so forth. Like a chain. Wait, what do you mean that was obvious?
Example:
In question 1, it is stated that etc etc is either true or false, if true why; if false why?
In question 2, please get the [x] value you calculated and summon Beelzebub
 |
| "F*ck this sh*t. I'm going home" |
In question 3, if Beelzebub was summoned, calculate the average wing speed velocity of a swallow
If you've experienced questions like these before, you are familiar with the sinking feeling as your stomach sinks into your colon. There's only one way to defend against this, know your sh*t. If you're reading this and have agreed to a lot of the points above, then you probably aren't ready. And these questions will take you for all you're worth. Then rape your family. And steal your jewelry. And manhandle your dog.
 |
| "These Puppies" |
*******************************************************************
[6]The "Pointless" Subject Matter Questions
This has to be the epitome of annoying when it comes to taking exams. These are the types of questions which I cannot understand why it is at all important to ask. I'll give a mini list here and explanations why they suck.
a. Geography - I don't see why I have to memorize where "I-don't-give-a-fuckistan" is on the Globe when I can just look at the damn thing! I mean I can just google every single capital! And I'm not going to get plus points for knowing it unless some ODDLYSPECIFIC killer demands to know where Botswana is in 5 seconds, or I die.
 |
| "Oh look honey, it's I-still-don't-give-a-shitfuckistan!" |
b. Age Questions - I get that you want to apply the logic of solving mathematical equations in a more interesting method than boring numbers but I swear to god I'm not going to go up to a random person who politely asked my kids age and tell them "Michael is 6 years older than Michelle, who next year will be my age divided by 3. Tell me miss, how old is Michael?" She will just knee me in the groin and call child services for not knowing my own damn kids age.
 |
| "Duh? He's 6?" |
c. Dates - Maybe I'm being biased but I really hate studying history. The freaking date's in my book and probably on brass plates in museums and MOST PROBABLY on the internet. It follows the same rule of: "Why the hell am I bothering with this when the information is readily AVAILABLE to me when I want it anyways? No explanation? Okay then."
 |
| "Either I'm a VERY poor history student... or a really hungry one" |
*******************************************************************
So remember kids! The next time you know that you have an exam coming up, prepare properly.
Failing that, and I know you will, just remember all these keypoints and maybe they'll make you feel better.
And if you did, you're a terrible person (again), for engaging in schadenfreude.
*******************************************************************
Image Sources:
1. http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=156593438723
2. http://iacmusic.com/artist.aspx?id=11981
3. http://www.nataliedee.com/archives/2009/jun/
4. http://diaryofasmartchick.com/category/topics/web-writing-and-web-20/page/2/
5. Beatrice Chua, trollordextraordinaire
6. http://www.theredherring.net/2010/05/17/behind-the-velvet-rope-memoirs-of-a-bouncer/
7. http://www.be-street.com/blog/2011/01/stewies-evil-twin/
8. http://www.dophoenix.com/pgad.php?id=1
9. http://tojonol.blogspot.com/2009/05/sheep-in-wolves-clothing.html
10. http://kimkinscam.wordpress.com/2008/01/31/23/
11. http://daddyknowsless.com/?p=331
12. http://www.dancewithizzy.com/home/2010/4/4/cute-puppy-sunday.html
13. http://maps-world.cn/
14. http://ironkyle.wordpress.com/2010/09/28/
15. http://www.hort.purdue.edu/ext/senior/fruits/date1.htm
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