F*cked Up Dreams

I just woke up from a really messed up dream. It was messed up because it was awesome, I mean like really awesome. I'm typing it now, like 5 minutes from when I woke up, just to make sure I can still remember the details. It sucks because there were two of them and I can only vividly remember the first one. So if you don't mind, I'm just going to jump right into it, before I forget anything else.

Ever watched one of those nature documentary shows? Yeah, it was kind of like that. Except it was combined with Bear Grylls. Yeah, you know that guy that ate a turtle or whatever. See, I wasn't actually in the dream; it was as if I were watching it through the television. Let me paint the scene.

"I just ate your mom."

I didn't actually find it weird while I was "watching" the show (as none of us find it weird while we are in the dream), but now that I think about it, the setting was quite odd. It was like a lake, a giant body of water in front of a vast expanse of green behind it. If it will help you imagine, think of it like a beach except with a flat grassland instead of a shore. Also in view of the "shot" was a hill. I don't know why, but in my mind I had to point out that hill was there, it was important. (Actually it wasn't)

"Shit just got real"

Here's where things get f*cked up. I said it was like Bear Grylls for two reasons:
1.) There were bears in it
2.) There were two guys hunting it in the most disturbing way I can think of

Okay, guys hunting bears. I know what you're thinking, "Gee, that's not messed up at all". Bear with me. (See what I did there?)

"Plz dun eat me, I is not food"

So these two guys, with Australian accents of course, were talking to me about hunting bears for food. So I followed them around for a bit. (omniscient view ftw) I can't actually remember what they look like or what they said, but I do remember their weapon of choice. It was a f*cking saw. I don't even know the proper name to call it. Do you know what those loggers use to cut down trees? The ones you need two people, one on either end to use?

Yeah, it didn't strike me the least bit odd. Moving right along, they eventually found two bears. A pretty big male and actually an equally big female. Now if it already didn't strike me odd that these guys were planning to essentially saw a goddamn bear in half; these bears were swimming in the lake. They wasted no time in jumping in and chasing them down.

"With one of these."

These guys didn't even work together, the first bear that fell was the female one. So, yeah, essentially bloodbath, bloodbath and more..... what the f*ck did he just do? Did he just cut a hole in one of the bears and did he just..? What is THAT?

Okay, apparently I know nothing about harvesting food in the wild. The guy who killed the female bear pulled out these brown balls, about the size of his palm out of a hole he cut in her. He was terribly excited and talking about "food source" and "excellent". I switched the view over to the other guy targetting the male bear, he had about 7 or 8 of such balls come out of the male bear. It looked like they were harvesting coffee balls or something.

"Think more like this; Less Scrotum sacks."

Coffee balls. From holes cut out of bears. That they hunted. In the water. With logging saws.

Yeah, no more ice cream before bed time for me.

P.S. Bet you said "D'aww" when you saw the polar bear cub.
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Image Sources:
1.) http://mamapop.com
2.) http://trevor-hopkins.org.uk/travelogues/lake-district.html
3.) http://www.e-forwards.com/2010/12/funny-animals-and-winter/cute-polarbear-cub-winter/
4.) http://www.thecakeandtheknife.com/2011/01/can-buy-me-love-aka-kingsleys-steak.html